Boos and Booze (Homophone Flash Fiction)

The band was banned from playing at the pub again due to their recent bad performances. Someone even scribbled on the bulletin board how bored the audience had become at the base player’s sick jokes. While their bald drummer bawled, the clientele rendered lots of boos as they toasted the announcement with their booze. Thus, red as a beet, the drummer could no longer keep beat. And the blue faced trumpeter blew sour notes. It was bartender Fred who suggested the patrons form a bloc to block further atrocious music. “But,” said Fred, as he smacked a beer butt, “I would rather be bored than being smacked by a board. And their music made you want to leave your beer on the bier!”
(Bar None, © Steven S. Walsky, April 2018.)

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Cheesy Events (Flash Fiction, humor)

The local café owner had to take a short break from preparing the menu for April. He left his tablet on the table, and went into another room of the café. Seeing that the unattended tablet was still in operation mode, Squeaky Fred quickly started to hop across the keyboard. The first thing he changed was April 12th to Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. Then a quick scamper changed April 17th to Cheeseballs. Hearing the owner approaching, Squeaky Fred scampered off.

The owner, not noticing the changes, completed the menu and gave a copy to his cooks. When April 12th rolled around, the owner was surprised to find his pick for that day was changed. “What!” he yelled at the cooks. “How could you mistake a grilled cheese sandwich for tuna salad?” The cooks were in shock; for they had followed the menu to a tee. Five days later, hot dogs and sauerkraut resulted in plates of chesseballs! The owner once again loudly pointed out the mistake to the cooks, “How many times will you keep making mistakes!”

However, this time the cooks were prepared, for Cook Tony had the copy of the menu in his pocket. When the owner saw that the menu did say chesseballs, he was at a loss for words. Suddenly it hit him. This was not a random dinkyness; for it had happened in the past. He remembered that last September the cooks had cheese burgers instead of fried chicken.

Squeaky Fred and his cohorts were listening from behind a crack in the wall. They became nervous when the owner said, “Last October, the 9th to be exact, a customer complained that her cheese was moldy! We were at a loss to understand how moldy cheese had been placed on the buffet table.” Squeaky Fred almost gave away their hiding place when he let out an ‘ooops’ squeak.

A cook, thinking about what had taken place, mentioned that back in September they had made cheese pizza by mistake. Another cook said, “Wasn’t it in July that we made cheesecake instead of chocolate cake?” An astonished owner could not fathom why these incidents had happened. And why did each one revolve around cheese. “Let’s be more observant and careful in the future,” the owner told the cooks.

Squeaky Fred and the other mice knew that they would have to find a safer way to celebrate the national cheese holidays.

(Cheesy Events, © Steven S. Walsky, March 2018.)

January 20th: National Cheese Lover Day
April 12th: Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day
April 17th: National Cheeseball Day
July 30th: National Cheesecake Day
September 5th: Cheese Pizza Day
September 18th: National Cheeseburger Day
October 9th: Moldy Cheese Day

Esther Newton’s challenge for 03/22/18 was to write a story, poem, limerick, or true-life piece about: CHEESE. Please visit Esther’s WordPress blog to read the other submissions.

He Totally Disappeared (Flash Fiction, humor)

It was early on the afternoon of the 20th of March, and the office in Biloxi, Mississippi was very busy. The staff could hardly keep up with the phone calls and emails. However, even with all the hustle and bustle, Fred’s empty desk was an attention grabber. For, it was very ‘un-Fred’ for him to be out of the office; besides, someone had seen him that morning at a coffee café drive-thru. Calls to his cell phone had gone unanswered. Then, about 2PM the office manager received a call from the Toronto, Canada police. Fred’s car had been found abandoned in the city, and they found one of Fred’s business cards.

Of course the office manager said that it was not Fred’s car, since there was no way for Fred to have driven to Toronto in a few short hours. To this, the police officer responded, “The license plate is from Mississippi, and registered to him!” The stunned office manager asked the officer to wait a moment while he spoke to the coworker who had seen Fred. The coworker told the officer that it was definitely Fred at the coffee café. “Look, we have the vehicle!” The coworker dropped the phone.

Two days later, still no Fred. It was if he had totally disappeared from planet Earth. The Toronto Police had contacted the FBI for assistance, and Fred’s fellow office personnel were questioned. Tony remembered Fred had said something about interesting colored lights reflecting off his bedroom window, but there was no lit object outside when Fred investigated. Another employee said that Fred had recently complained that he could not find some clothes that he had hung in the closet a week earlier. While the coworkers did not think these happenings were important, the investigators did not seem surprised by them.

It did seem odd to the coworkers that a search of Fred’s desk by the investigators revealed a clipped together small stack of newspaper and magazine articles that all dealt with unidentified flying objects. Fred had never mentioned UFOs. It was then that Sally mentioned that Fred seemed to have become somewhat nerves when leaving work in the evening, and had started stealthily looking over his shoulder up to the sky.

With months passing, and still no sign of Fred, the company decided to hang a picture of Fred in the building lobby commemorating the day he disappeared. “What a coincidence,” commented a visitor, “he disappeared on March 20th, Extraterrestrial Abductions Day!”

(He Totally Disappeared, © Steven S. Walsky, March 2018.)

Extraterrestrial Abductions Day is always celebrated on March 20th.