The Exequies Date (Odd Word Flash Fiction)

Eating at a fine restaurant was Joe’s idea of an outstanding first, and blind, date. However, after only a few minutes, Susan knew this was mere barmecide. The way he gulped down the food was not the definition of degust. Also, and to the others in the restaurant, bibble Joe’s xertz behavior was totally negative. Thankfully, Susan exercised her pauciloquent social skills, and that precluded a pother.

Nevertheless, the manager came to their table and asked Joe to slow down his ingurgitate behavior. To this Joe replied that maybe the manager wanted to impignorate a chance at romance, but not he. Joe smiled, thinking his comment was argute. Susan just figured Joe was vagarious, and any vocal judgement on her part would cancel his paying for the check. It was not that she had kakorrhaphiophobia; this was the omphalos for the date and Susan was not one to absquatulate. Later that night, Susan’s friend Jane would say she was just agastopia over Joe’s mussled arms and a possible other body part.

Finaly the dinner was over and Joe asked for a box for the tittynope salmon. Using his request as an excuse to leave the table for the facilities, Susan was able to remain non- cacoethes. However, once she returned, Susan said that her brother had called about not feeling well, and she would be taking a taxi to his apartment.

Of course, Joe knew this was the exequies for the date. Nevertheless, Joe did enjoy his meal and had the leftover salmon from her plate…and plenty more phone numbers from the dating site.
(The Exequies Date, © Steven S. Walsky, June 2018.)

Odd Words
absquatulate: v. – leave abruptly
agastopia: n. – admiration of a particular part of someone’s body
argute: av. – shrewd
bibble: v. – to drink often; to eat and/or drink noisily
barmecide: av. – providing only the illusion of abundance
cacoethes: n. – an urge to do something inadvisable
degust: v. – to taste food or drink carefully, so as to fully appreciate it fully
exequies: n. -funeral rites
impignorate: v. – to pawn or mortgage something
ingurgitate: v.- to swallow something greedily
kakorrhaphiophobia: n. – fear of failure
omphalos: n. – the center or hub of something
pauciloquent: adj. – uttering few words; brief in speech
pother: n. – a commotion or fuss
tittynope: n. – a small quantity of something left over
vagarious: ad. -erratic and unpredictable in behavior or direction
xertz: v. – to gulp down quickly and greedily

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Aye Sea (188 word homophone flash fiction)

When the barber said that he put mousse on his hair, startled pirate Ken thought he meant moose. “You what” yelled the seafarer! “Hair gel,” the barber calmly replied. Like everyone else in the town, the barber was familiar with buccaneer’s homophone problem. Just the other day, when Fred the bartender asked if the pirate wanted his rum in quarts, the sailor replied, “Quartz is a solid object!”

Everyone at the pub once had a good…very silent…chuckle when the Ken got ‘aye, eye, and I’ mixed up. Or the time when the shopkeeper said that he was getting ready to have a sale, and the pirate wished him luck when he set sail.

The most dangerous episode was on a Friday the Thirteenth. While standing at the pub bar dinking ale, a new pirate customer said that he felt like he was looking into a mirror because Ken was his ‘dual’. Ken immediately drew his saber for the duel! Thankfully someone stepped in between the two ocean bandits.

Yes, life in a port can be both amusing and dangerous, even when a pirate is not drinking port.
(Aye Sea, © Steven S. Walsky, May 2018.)

Boos and Booze (Homophone Flash Fiction)

The band was banned from playing at the pub again due to their recent bad performances. Someone even scribbled on the bulletin board how bored the audience had become at the base player’s sick jokes. While their bald drummer bawled, the clientele rendered lots of boos as they toasted the announcement with their booze. Thus, red as a beet, the drummer could no longer keep beat. And the blue faced trumpeter blew sour notes. It was bartender Fred who suggested the patrons form a bloc to block further atrocious music. “But,” said Fred, as he smacked a beer butt, “I would rather be bored than being smacked by a board. And their music made you want to leave your beer on the bier!”
(Bar None, © Steven S. Walsky, April 2018.)