The Exequies Date (Odd Word Flash Fiction)

Eating at a fine restaurant was Joe’s idea of an outstanding first, and blind, date. However, after only a few minutes, Susan knew this was mere barmecide. The way he gulped down the food was not the definition of degust. Also, and to the others in the restaurant, bibble Joe’s xertz behavior was totally negative. Thankfully, Susan exercised her pauciloquent social skills, and that precluded a pother.

Nevertheless, the manager came to their table and asked Joe to slow down his ingurgitate behavior. To this Joe replied that maybe the manager wanted to impignorate a chance at romance, but not he. Joe smiled, thinking his comment was argute. Susan just figured Joe was vagarious, and any vocal judgement on her part would cancel his paying for the check. It was not that she had kakorrhaphiophobia; this was the omphalos for the date and Susan was not one to absquatulate. Later that night, Susan’s friend Jane would say she was just agastopia over Joe’s mussled arms and a possible other body part.

Finaly the dinner was over and Joe asked for a box for the tittynope salmon. Using his request as an excuse to leave the table for the facilities, Susan was able to remain non- cacoethes. However, once she returned, Susan said that her brother had called about not feeling well, and she would be taking a taxi to his apartment.

Of course, Joe knew this was the exequies for the date. Nevertheless, Joe did enjoy his meal and had the leftover salmon from her plate…and plenty more phone numbers from the dating site.
(The Exequies Date, © Steven S. Walsky, June 2018.)

Odd Words
absquatulate: v. – leave abruptly
agastopia: n. – admiration of a particular part of someone’s body
argute: av. – shrewd
bibble: v. – to drink often; to eat and/or drink noisily
barmecide: av. – providing only the illusion of abundance
cacoethes: n. – an urge to do something inadvisable
degust: v. – to taste food or drink carefully, so as to fully appreciate it fully
exequies: n. -funeral rites
impignorate: v. – to pawn or mortgage something
ingurgitate: v.- to swallow something greedily
kakorrhaphiophobia: n. – fear of failure
omphalos: n. – the center or hub of something
pauciloquent: adj. – uttering few words; brief in speech
pother: n. – a commotion or fuss
tittynope: n. – a small quantity of something left over
vagarious: ad. -erratic and unpredictable in behavior or direction
xertz: v. – to gulp down quickly and greedily


Aye Sea (188 word homophone flash fiction)

When the barber said that he put mousse on his hair, startled pirate Ken thought he meant moose. “You what” yelled the seafarer! “Hair gel,” the barber calmly replied. Like everyone else in the town, the barber was familiar with buccaneer’s homophone problem. Just the other day, when Fred the bartender asked if the pirate wanted his rum in quarts, the sailor replied, “Quartz is a solid object!”

Everyone at the pub once had a good…very silent…chuckle when the Ken got ‘aye, eye, and I’ mixed up. Or the time when the shopkeeper said that he was getting ready to have a sale, and the pirate wished him luck when he set sail.

The most dangerous episode was on a Friday the Thirteenth. While standing at the pub bar dinking ale, a new pirate customer said that he felt like he was looking into a mirror because Ken was his ‘dual’. Ken immediately drew his saber for the duel! Thankfully someone stepped in between the two ocean bandits.

Yes, life in a port can be both amusing and dangerous, even when a pirate is not drinking port.
(Aye Sea, © Steven S. Walsky, May 2018.)

Cheesy Events (Flash Fiction, humor)

The local café owner had to take a short break from preparing the menu for April. He left his tablet on the table, and went into another room of the café. Seeing that the unattended tablet was still in operation mode, Squeaky Fred quickly started to hop across the keyboard. The first thing he changed was April 12th to Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. Then a quick scamper changed April 17th to Cheeseballs. Hearing the owner approaching, Squeaky Fred scampered off.

The owner, not noticing the changes, completed the menu and gave a copy to his cooks. When April 12th rolled around, the owner was surprised to find his pick for that day was changed. “What!” he yelled at the cooks. “How could you mistake a grilled cheese sandwich for tuna salad?” The cooks were in shock; for they had followed the menu to a tee. Five days later, hot dogs and sauerkraut resulted in plates of chesseballs! The owner once again loudly pointed out the mistake to the cooks, “How many times will you keep making mistakes!”

However, this time the cooks were prepared, for Cook Tony had the copy of the menu in his pocket. When the owner saw that the menu did say chesseballs, he was at a loss for words. Suddenly it hit him. This was not a random dinkyness; for it had happened in the past. He remembered that last September the cooks had cheese burgers instead of fried chicken.

Squeaky Fred and his cohorts were listening from behind a crack in the wall. They became nervous when the owner said, “Last October, the 9th to be exact, a customer complained that her cheese was moldy! We were at a loss to understand how moldy cheese had been placed on the buffet table.” Squeaky Fred almost gave away their hiding place when he let out an ‘ooops’ squeak.

A cook, thinking about what had taken place, mentioned that back in September they had made cheese pizza by mistake. Another cook said, “Wasn’t it in July that we made cheesecake instead of chocolate cake?” An astonished owner could not fathom why these incidents had happened. And why did each one revolve around cheese. “Let’s be more observant and careful in the future,” the owner told the cooks.

Squeaky Fred and the other mice knew that they would have to find a safer way to celebrate the national cheese holidays.

(Cheesy Events, © Steven S. Walsky, March 2018.)

January 20th: National Cheese Lover Day
April 12th: Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day
April 17th: National Cheeseball Day
July 30th: National Cheesecake Day
September 5th: Cheese Pizza Day
September 18th: National Cheeseburger Day
October 9th: Moldy Cheese Day

Esther Newton’s challenge for 03/22/18 was to write a story, poem, limerick, or true-life piece about: CHEESE. Please visit Esther’s WordPress blog to read the other submissions.